A Mindfulness Miracle and the Grace of Christ
Today I had a simple, normal stay-at-home mom experience that illustrates how mindfulness coupled with the healing power of Jesus Christ can help us change.
It was around 11:30 AM. I was trying to help Lucy with a preschool activity that went with her lesson on rainbows she had just watched. We were removing the paper from old crayons after having soaked them in water. The goal was to create rainbow crayons by putting them in muffin tins with liners in the oven on low heat. As we were getting the crayons ready, Margaret was on the floor, crying. She was likely getting tired of being set down all morning I suppose. At this same time, I noticed my blood sugar was dropping. I had eaten a homemade granola ball an hour earlier, but it apparently wasn't enough. I knew I would need to get some leftovers out of the fridge and eat lunch soon.
In that moment, the thoughts I have had thousands of times since Margaret's birth came into my mind, "How am I supposed to take care of Lucy's needs, my needs, and Margaret's needs all at once? I can barely eat when I need to. I barely have enough energy to do the things that need to be done. I want to give Lucy some much needed attention, but Margaret has a low threshold, and so does my blood sugar." These thoughts created the familiar feelings of anger and confusion about how to best manage motherhood I have had countless times.
Somewhere in the midst of that, I was able to notice what was happening in my brain. The process has become very familiar, after all. And in the middle of the chaos, I then thought, "why do I feel the need to keep fighting, to keep staying angry about all of this? Why am I afraid of the idea of not being angry because of these circumstances? Is it serving me to keep getting angry about the demands of motherhood?"
I didn't spend a lot of time in those thoughts, but they had an effect. As I kept going about the tasks before me, I didn't lose it. I didn't lash out at my child with angry words. I didn't try to blame Lucy or Margaret in my head. I just went about finishing the crayons, and then getting some food, while occasionally altering Margaret's position or getting her a new toy to help her stop crying.
It wasn't until an hour later or so that I realized what happened. Just the act of noticing my thought patterns and the resulting feelings changed the course of my actions and feelings thereafter.
I was able to avoid the victim mentality. Later, I was able to realize that Margaret needed a longer awake time and I had the stamina to keep her up so that she could have a better nap. She is still napping now which is a total win! (The last few days have been rough with naps). If I had lost it earlier, I probably would have been in a victim mindset and wouldn't have been able to take more charge with her nap issues.
This all may not seem that significant, but to me it is. While I still want to figure out ways to balance everyone's needs, which will look different in every situation, I don't need to become angry. Will I never get angry again? Not likely. However, the miracle that happened today was a step in the right direction. In fact, it was a step towards healing broken, negative thought loops in my brain, allowing my brain to create a new pathway, so to speak. I recently heard someone say that we are addicted to our negative thoughts, or specific negative emotions that we come back to again and again. We can't heal until we find new ones to replace them with.
My depression is not as severe as so many, and I recognize that being able question my thoughts and pause in the midst of my turbulent emotions happens better at times when I'm NOT as depressed.
I believe that mindfulness is one of the many gifts that ultimately come from Jesus Christ to help us heal. As Elder Renlund has testified, Christ loves to heal broken things, including my broken thought patterns that inhibit me from becoming the mother I would like to be.
I recently received a Priesthood blessing from Craig. In it, Craig told me that Heavenly Father is proud of the mother I am becoming and is excited about what the future holds for me. This loving message from God buoyed me up in itself, but it also made think about what makes Heavenly Father excited. He rejoices as we heal from our weaknesses and issues so that we can become our BEST self and become more like Him. When we heal from destructive thinking, we can better use the talents and gifts He has given us to bless the world around us and our families especially. I believe that with all my heart. And my little victories, however small, add up from day to day. I don't have to be angry and anxious all of my young mother years. I can heal! And it all started with observing my thoughts, without judgment and shame. This process gives me so much hope. As I strive to be more sensitive to Heaven's help, my healing can continue and I can progress, slowly but surely.
It was around 11:30 AM. I was trying to help Lucy with a preschool activity that went with her lesson on rainbows she had just watched. We were removing the paper from old crayons after having soaked them in water. The goal was to create rainbow crayons by putting them in muffin tins with liners in the oven on low heat. As we were getting the crayons ready, Margaret was on the floor, crying. She was likely getting tired of being set down all morning I suppose. At this same time, I noticed my blood sugar was dropping. I had eaten a homemade granola ball an hour earlier, but it apparently wasn't enough. I knew I would need to get some leftovers out of the fridge and eat lunch soon.
In that moment, the thoughts I have had thousands of times since Margaret's birth came into my mind, "How am I supposed to take care of Lucy's needs, my needs, and Margaret's needs all at once? I can barely eat when I need to. I barely have enough energy to do the things that need to be done. I want to give Lucy some much needed attention, but Margaret has a low threshold, and so does my blood sugar." These thoughts created the familiar feelings of anger and confusion about how to best manage motherhood I have had countless times.
Somewhere in the midst of that, I was able to notice what was happening in my brain. The process has become very familiar, after all. And in the middle of the chaos, I then thought, "why do I feel the need to keep fighting, to keep staying angry about all of this? Why am I afraid of the idea of not being angry because of these circumstances? Is it serving me to keep getting angry about the demands of motherhood?"
I didn't spend a lot of time in those thoughts, but they had an effect. As I kept going about the tasks before me, I didn't lose it. I didn't lash out at my child with angry words. I didn't try to blame Lucy or Margaret in my head. I just went about finishing the crayons, and then getting some food, while occasionally altering Margaret's position or getting her a new toy to help her stop crying.
It wasn't until an hour later or so that I realized what happened. Just the act of noticing my thought patterns and the resulting feelings changed the course of my actions and feelings thereafter.
I was able to avoid the victim mentality. Later, I was able to realize that Margaret needed a longer awake time and I had the stamina to keep her up so that she could have a better nap. She is still napping now which is a total win! (The last few days have been rough with naps). If I had lost it earlier, I probably would have been in a victim mindset and wouldn't have been able to take more charge with her nap issues.
This all may not seem that significant, but to me it is. While I still want to figure out ways to balance everyone's needs, which will look different in every situation, I don't need to become angry. Will I never get angry again? Not likely. However, the miracle that happened today was a step in the right direction. In fact, it was a step towards healing broken, negative thought loops in my brain, allowing my brain to create a new pathway, so to speak. I recently heard someone say that we are addicted to our negative thoughts, or specific negative emotions that we come back to again and again. We can't heal until we find new ones to replace them with.
My depression is not as severe as so many, and I recognize that being able question my thoughts and pause in the midst of my turbulent emotions happens better at times when I'm NOT as depressed.
I believe that mindfulness is one of the many gifts that ultimately come from Jesus Christ to help us heal. As Elder Renlund has testified, Christ loves to heal broken things, including my broken thought patterns that inhibit me from becoming the mother I would like to be.
I recently received a Priesthood blessing from Craig. In it, Craig told me that Heavenly Father is proud of the mother I am becoming and is excited about what the future holds for me. This loving message from God buoyed me up in itself, but it also made think about what makes Heavenly Father excited. He rejoices as we heal from our weaknesses and issues so that we can become our BEST self and become more like Him. When we heal from destructive thinking, we can better use the talents and gifts He has given us to bless the world around us and our families especially. I believe that with all my heart. And my little victories, however small, add up from day to day. I don't have to be angry and anxious all of my young mother years. I can heal! And it all started with observing my thoughts, without judgment and shame. This process gives me so much hope. As I strive to be more sensitive to Heaven's help, my healing can continue and I can progress, slowly but surely.
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