Marianne's Musings

Today I had a simple, normal stay-at-home mom experience that illustrates how mindfulness coupled with the healing power of Jesus Christ can help us change. It was around 11:30 AM. I was trying to help Lucy with a preschool activity that went with her lesson on rainbows she had just watched. We were removing the paper from old crayons after having soaked them in water. The goal was to create rainbow crayons by putting them in muffin tins with liners in the oven on low heat. As we were getting the crayons ready, Margaret was on the floor, crying. She was likely getting tired of being set down all morning I suppose. At this same time, I noticed my blood sugar was dropping. I had eaten a homemade granola ball an hour earlier, but it apparently wasn't enough. I knew I would need to get some leftovers out of the fridge and eat lunch soon. In that moment, the thoughts I have had thousands of times since Margaret's birth came into my mind, "How am I supposed to take care of ...

"Have ye inquired of the Lord?" "We have not, for the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us." These words stung me as I recalled them recently. In fact, there have been several occasions recently when I have realized that I am probably more like Laman and Lemuel than I previously thought. Lately, I have been in a cloud. I was in denial at first, but it turns out I technically have "postpartum depression" according to the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. I scored a 10 when I filled it out at Margaret's 2 month appointment, which is just on the threshold of what they consider high. As is typical of me, I am very high functioning regardless of what mental ailments I am feeling, and so it would be hard to tell on the outside that I have darkness on the inside. I show up. I'm present. But at various times of the day, I feel emptiness. Being a mother to a newborn again as awakened within me many of the same struggles and questions I had...