Tiny Trials, Emotional Lessons, and Grace



Today I had an experience with grace that I hope I can remember. It was simple, and yet very meaningful to me. Additionally, I was able to put some of the advice of life coach, Jody Moore into practice. (Check her out here if you'd like to learn more, no this is not meant to be a promotional post). 

Ever since I had Lucy, I feel like there are times when my emotional maturity matches hers (it's embarrassing to say the least). I lose it, even if only in my head. When I get frustrated, angry, or depressed, I have the potential to lash out about it.
            
Today and yesterday we were with Craig’s family in Ohio for his niece’s baptism. Last night we put Lucy down at Craig's brother's house early because she was so tired, and then we went to stay at a hotel with some other family members because there wasn't enough room for everyone at the house. We left, feeling certain that Lucy would sleep through the night like always and not cause anyone any trouble. When we came back in the morning, we found out she had been up a lot of the night and that my in-laws had snuggled her and she eventually fell asleep with them. I felt so bad. My mother-in-law had been sick and very tired from the previous night of little sleep, and I just hate when my child inconveniences other people that way. I felt embarrassed about how confident we were that it would be fine. I was also very tired because of going to the hotel late and then not sleeping very well there anyway. All of the above led me to be very grumpy. And then I felt guilty for being grumpy, when really the people who should have a right to grumpiness were my in-laws, and they were being so fine about it!
            
We went to church and I continued feeling so tired and grumpy. I hardly wanted to sing the opening hymn. I could sense that I was starting to give in to a downward spiral of darkness, even because of these silly little events. Somehow, I mustered just enough self-control for me to stop my thoughts in their tracks, and say to myself, “Okay. I’m feeling grumpy. Why is that? What’s really going on here?” After some thinking I realized that this was just a form of my perfectionism all over again. Strangely enough, I’m not actually that much of a perfectionist when it comes to myself (no more than the next type A person), but when it comes to situations and controlling outcomes…perfectionism shines through. I’m an idealist. And when things are not ideal, I struggle, even if it’s stupid things. Maybe that’s OCD? I don’t know, but it’s pretty pathetic when I think about it. Talk about first world problems. 

I also realized that I was reacting in fear in the face of my current sleep deprivation. I was afraid of the associated “pain” and emotional issues that come with it at times. Ever since having a baby, I pretty much have PTSD about it. It’s like when I get slightly sleep deprived I think, “Oh no, oh no…I can’t do this. I’m not going to react well.” Some people handle sleep deprivation better than others, and I am not one of those people. My mental health definitely suffers.
            
Anyway, after digging deeper, I became more aware of these underlying causes of my grumpiness. I was able to step back and see what was going on from a different point of view. I was actually able to think rationally! My purpose wasn’t to judge myself, but to know myself. All of this felt like a miracle. 
            
After thinking about these “causes” of my grumpiness, I found myself thinking, “Well…maybe there is a way to still get a lot out of church even if you’re sleep-deprived. Maybe it doesn’t have to be the end of the world when it comes to my spirituality and emotional health in those moments.” The Sacrament was beginning, and my thoughts turned to Jesus Christ. Somehow, I was able to have greater focus than I usually have during the Sacrament. I thought of Him going to Gethsemane, and then enduring 3ish more days of cruelty, torture, little food and water, and NO sleep, before being crucified. I had never realized before that not only did He suffer so much for us, He did it all while sleep-deprived! At least I really doubt He had a chance to sleep throughout all of that. The point is, He not only understands what it’s like to be sleep-deprived, He endured more than any of us could endure while in that state. And most remarkably of all, “he never said a mumblin' word, not a word.”1 He didn’t lash out in anger at His persecutors, or at His Father for allowing this to happen. On the contrary, He forgave His killers and glorified His Father.

Through this seemingly insignificant and silly trial I had today, I was able to learn more about the grace of God. I was able to "find strength beyond my own."2 First, I was able to stop my train of negative thoughts, which I sometimes feel powerless to do. Second, I was able to assess myself without judgment and dig deep about what was really going on. Third, I found grace in sincerely thinking of my Savior and remembering Him and what He did for me. All of this was a gift. I couldn't have done it on my own. I was reminded that because of what the Savior did, my less-than-ideal moments are temporary. My occasional sleep-deprivation is temporary. My "hard" moments pass. What will last in the eternities are joy, peace, and love, all because of Him. 

1 "Crucifixion (He Never Said a Mumblin' Word)" by Adolphus Hailstork Youtube video of this piece by BYU Singers (coincidentally, I am in this one 😀)

2 "Lord, I Would Follow Thee" Text: Susan Evans McCloud, b. 1945. © 1985 IRI
Music: K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939. © 1985 IRI

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