Helicopter Parenting



I am not a parent. But I have some ideas about parenting. And studies. And words from men called of God to receive revelation for His church. 

I remember hearing in a various classes at BYU about how harmful it can be to “hover” over your children. I’ve heard horror stories of moms flying to BYU weekly to do their children’s laundry, or making calls to their professors regularly, or just not letting their children grow up and be on their own. 

Parents “have the complex task of adjusting their demands and disciplinary methods flexibly to the developing capacities of the child so as to encourage social responsibility without discouraging independence and individuality” (Baumrind, 1978, p. 249).

Young adults should be ready to subsist independent of you when the appropriate time arrives. They should be able to have:
  • Psychological autonomy
  • Emotional autonomy
  • Financial autonomy
  • Spiritual autonomy
These all come at different times, but it is important that your child eventually have them. 
In another one of my classes we discussed intrusive parenting. Intrusive parenting can involve subtle or not-so-subtle psychological control. Children in these situations may feel that they have to constantly please their parents or else they will not be loved or valued (e.g., if you don’t inherit the family business like your dad wants you to, then forget about being loved in this family). Undifferentiated families are like a glob and their purpose is to keep the glob together. If anyone tries to get out of the glob, then so long. We don’t need or like you anymore. In these families, it’s more about your family identity that people being happy (Our family does this or that and we all do it and if anyone doesn’t they’re toast). This is unhealthy. It encourages a sense of enmeshment that does not allow children to healthily launch and become the interdependent individuals God meant them to be. There should never be shaming if a particular child doesn’t enjoy hobbies the rest of the family enjoys. Of course it is wonderful if families enjoy doing things together, it just shouldn’t be the core of their identity and purpose. If children grow up feeling like their role in life is to do what you want them to do (whether it be playing soccer all the time or becoming a doctor) then something is wrong. 

Sometimes in the church, “Uber Moms” have this attitude: “I will save ALL my children! NO empty chairs! And it’s all up to me!” While the intention is good, it may be the wrong attitude. Yes, we are accountable for how we teach and raise our children in the gospel. But sometimes we forget that it is a stewardship, and in reality, our children aren’t really “ours.” Even though we are sealed as families for eternity, the idea is that they will be exalted with their spouse and you with yours. I’m not sure what the Celestial Kingdom will be like, but I imagine that we’ll see our parents a lot, but for the most part we’ll be with our spouse, creating and such. 

I read a great story in this month’s Ensign about a mother who’s 14 year old son started to be rebellious. At first she tried everything she could to make him follow her rules and to stop engaging in reckless behavior. She tightened her grip because she was scared. She explains that later on when nothing was getting better, she felt prompted from the Lord to focus more on her relationship with her son (and specifically not having loud arguments with him) and not on his problems. Once she did this their relationship got a lot better. 

I learned a lot from this story. My first cultural-gut reaction to her son’s rebellion was, “Wait a minute–why can’t she just make him stop? Why can’t she enforce her rules?” But then I realized that “making” our children do anything (especially when they are older) is never our role. Heavenly Father doesn’t do that to us. He has given us everything necessary in order to be saved and exalted and then He lets us choose if we accept it and follow it or not. Our children will not become the amazing, righteous, competent, responsible people we want them to be by coercion. In fact, coercion can push children in the opposite direction from what we intended. 


Anyway, these are my flawed thoughts. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I know this: Fear-driven behaviors or discipline never come from a good source. If your actions are motivated by your fear (rather than faith) then it probably is not going to be effective. 

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