Overemphasizing our Birth Experiences

As I look forward to the birth of our first child (approximately July 6th 2015!) I have done a lot of reading and thinking about birth and my baby. I hope as I share my thoughts it will be understood that I am a first-timer and I hope to offend no one. 

Something that has occurred to me is that women today care an awful lot about how their baby comes into the world. Controversy abounds regarding natural births, c-sections, vaginal births with an epidural, etc. I have observed the judgment and criticism that can occur between women about these issues. 

My question is, why do we place our birth experience (which really isn't "ours," by the way, but our baby's) on such a high pedestal? We have such high expectations, and sometimes when things don't work out the way we planned, we are utterly traumatized. I have read about women who have been traumatized on both ends of the spectrum (c-section vs. completely non-medicated) because their expectations were not met. This seems backwards and wrong to me. If our baby is healthy and well (which the vast majority are) why should we be so concerned about how they came into the world? Why should we guilt trip ourselves about what happened and fill ourselves with regret and apology when explaining what happened to others? It is sad and unnecessary. 

I think in some extremes we become selfish about wanting things to go our way, when really, is the birth of our child about us and our limited understanding of how we think things should go? Or is it about getting our child here in the best way possible, based on the particular circumstances we are in? We can get so caught up in current trends and comparing ourselves to other women and I think this is a disservice to ourselves and our babies. 

Mothers, wouldn't you say that when you reflect back on the births of your children, you mostly remember the joy and love you felt the moment they were placed in your arms? To me, what matters most is not how my baby comes into the world, but that I love her and nurture her to the best of my ability once she's here. Children will not be remembered by, "Oh, that girl was delivered by c-section," or, "that boy was born at home." In the end it won't really matter. The vast majority of children grow up to be healthy and strong, and it's because of the nurturing, love and support they receive after birth, not because of how they were born. Babies and children are more resilient than we give them credit for. 

As for myself, I have currently been speaking with my midwife about options. I am lucky in that I can already tell that no matter what happens when I have my baby girl, I will be greatly supported and cared for. For now my plan is to *try* (key word: try) coping with the pains of labor naturally using various movement and breathing exercises. In the hospital where I deliver I will be able to walk around with not a lot of monitoring (if everything is going well), use a tub, use a squatting bar, etc. 

But my midwife has emphasized something to me that I think applies to everyone regardless of their circumstances: one of the most important things is that you feel cared for and like your voice is heard. She told me repeatedly that I should openly communicate with her what I am feeling, while it's happening. If one particular method isn't helping me, I should tell her, and we'll try something else. If I feel scared about something, I should communicate that fear to her and she will try to alleviate it. If I want to have an epidural I can tell her and she will completely respect my decision. I think having that openness and mutual respect between you and your provider is key. To me it seems that if you have that, you will be able to cope with whatever happens. I know that some women struggle because they didn't like their experience with their doctor or midwife and they have regret about that. That makes sense to me. The hope is that we can find someone we like and have that open and supportive communication. I think having an high expectation of that is not a problem.

I am filled with gratitude that my mother found this midwife group for me here in WA state. I was in India and she did some research for me before I got here. I feel lucky that I happen to have such a nice team of midwives, and that I can already tell that they will definitely be there for me (whoever is on call at the time, that is). I wasn't actually planning on having a midwife or anything, but I'm happy with what I've found. I just feel lucky and positive at this point.

And so, if I deliver my baby naturally, hurrah. It will probably feel cool to have done that. If I decide to receive an epidural, hurrah. In the vast majority of cases, all goes well with an epidural and the baby is fine. I am making a promise to myself now that I will NOT guilt-trip myself about it later if I choose to make that decision. I refuse to apologize for it. Similarly, I will NOT guilt-trip myself about having a c-section if complications arise and it is necessary for the safety of my baby. I believe in being open and I will strive to be in tune with God, with my body's needs, and with my baby's needs throughout the process. 

The point is, don't feel guilty if things did not go as you had planned. I will not judge you for how you had your baby and I hope you will not judge me for how I have mine. It is absolutely not our place. I would rather adore your beautiful baby with you. I think the most important things that we can control are: 1) the doctor/midwife/doula we choose and our level of openness with them, 2) our attitude about what happened, and 3) our overflowing love for our babies! That is what matters most! Let's all remember that : )